A Story In Three Parts
Morning. Morning like any other. I woke up, put water on a coffee, did not turn on a Spotify, instead of it I was collecting clothes, towels and bottles of vodka and wine form the floor.
It was another sunny day in London.
While cleaning up my apartment. I bumped into a mirror. I saw a dishevelled, thin, with a swollen face and bags under the eyes, in a stretched tracksuit and white chemise, a 25 years - old woman. I looked at my reflection for a moment and did not know what to say to a woman looking at me with a pity.
When you broke your leg it hurts badly. But you are going to a doctor, they plaster your leg and giving you medicines. On the another day you feel better. When you are diagnosed having anaemia, they assign you an iron and keep you under control. Doctors are taking care of you.
But when you heart breaks into a million pieces, you feel physical tightness in your chest and your throat tightens in a silent cry. No one can help you to relieve the pain. Time.
Time, they say.
When you wake up and feel that he is about to enter through the door with fresh bread in his hand. Will hug you, say 'good morning' and ask if you had enough sleep. It hurts. And there is nothing you can do about it.
I can smell him everywhere. I can see photos of him smiling at me. The sweatshirt he forgot to put back in the closet. I did not notice when tears of bitterness flowed down my face again, obscuring my clear vision and sober thinking.
First morning is the worst, they say.
Today was my first morning. Completely different morning. The morning in which I had to face not only pain, but also the whole world, questions, looks. The world did not stop, did not slow down, did not pull duties from my shoulders.
Today was first morning after the death of my beloved.
Suddenly, a loud squeal pulled me out of my thoughts. My heart started beating faster, and the police sirens stood before my eyes again. I caught the chair in front of me in panic.
Water.
Right, the water was boiling and life went on.
Although, mine seemed to stop forever.
***
All of a sudden, I have heard that someone is coming. He walked through the door with a big smile on his face and roses in the left hand.
- Darling. - he said, while taking of his jacket.
- Wi...Wi.. - I started to stutter.
He travelled the distance between the door and the kitchen where I sat, in five, quick steps. I could not believe that he is standing right in front of me. He crouched, brushing my hair away from my face. He sniffed the flowers and proudly handed them to me. I had so many questions in my head that I did not know which one to ask first. Why are you appearing here just now ? How ? Why didn't you call me ? At first I felt anger and confusion. But as soon as I looked into his beautiful, blue eyes and felt his big, good heart beating. All the bad emotions went way. They were replaced with tears of happiness and unrestrained joy. I knelt down on my knees putting my hands on his face, cheeks, neck, hair. I looked at him as if I saw Will for the first time. He was very calm, smiled soothingly at me.
- I... I... - I was stuttering again.
- Sh.. Don't say anything, my dear.
He hugged me tightly. We were embracing and time seemed to stop. Not long ago I was at the bottom of despair, immersed in the agony and abyss of hopelessness, without the will to live. And now I had my beloved in my arms again.
- I love... I love you... - I said sniffing loudly.
- I know. You don't even know how I miss you. - he said.
I got confused, looked at him, holding him at arm's length.
- There is no need to miss me. You are here again. - I said trying to convince myself.
- Beth.. I am so sorry. - he said with tears in his eyes.
- No, no, no.
- My love, this was all my fault. You cannot blame yourself. - he took my face in his hands.
- No. Will, please. - I said crying.
- You cannot see me, but I am still next to you. All this time. - He wiped my tears, kissing my face. - I regret that it happened so quickly. You are the best thing that happened to me, Beth. Remember that.
- I cannot... - I was crying harder and harder, holding his hands.
- You are so strong, so brave. I love you, I always will.
I buried my face in my hands. At that moment I woke up in bed. I was huddled in a blanket that had previously been in the closet.
- Will... - I said, with hope in a voice.
But he was gone. I was all alone again, broken into a thousand small pieces.
***
* 5 days ago *
I was drinking coffee at the doctor's room after a successful surgery. Happiness and relief filled my body from top to the bottom. We have saved this men's leg. It was raining heavily today. I picked up my phone, a few hours ago I called Will several times, but he didn't answer. I knew that he was working in the office today and had no action in the field, so it worried me a bit. I frowned and a shiver went through my body. I dialled his number again. Voicemail. I didn't have time to thinking about it any longer because, John, ran into the room.
- Elisabeth, we need you in the ambulance, Kate fainted. I will tell you everything on the way. - said gasping.
- Of course.
I reached for my jacket, put my phone in the pocket, hoping Will would call back in a minute. I had a bad feeling about it, but for now I had to focus on helping other people.
- Accident on an express road. Car collision with a truck approaching from the opposite direction. Firefighters pull the driver out of the car, he is seriously injured, breathing. Truck driver slightly injured. - John was reporting as we made our way through the traffic. - A child ran out onto the road, the driver of the car turned to pass her and did not manage to return to his lane.
- We have terrible weather today. - I commented thinking about the driver's injuries.
The view on the spot was terrifying, firefighters tired to pull the car out of the truck, which was partly in a ditch. Lights of police cars, policeman developing yellow tapes. A lot of glass and blood. I ran to the firefighters who had just cut a hole in the car and pulled out a man covered in his own blood.
- Put him here, I take him over.
I put him in a safe position, checking if he was still breathing. At first glance, he had severe internal injuries. I knelt on my knees and suddenly it froze me.
- No. - I said.
- Beth.
- No, no, no !!! - I screamed. - John, stretcher, immediately ! Will, stay with me, please !
He looked at me and smiled slightly, like he used to do.
- It's not as bad as it looks, Beth. I am sorry, darling.
I didn't notice when tears started running down my cheeks.
- Is she okay ? The girl ? - he asked.
- Yes, she is safe - I said while tying a bandage around his thigh.
- I love you, Beth, remember that.
- Don' say anything Will. John !! Where are this fucking stretchers ?!?!?
Suddenly Will was choking with his own blood and stopped breathing. I started resuscitation without a second thought. One, two, three.. thirty. Breath, breath, breath.
- Will, stay with me.
One, two, three.. thirty.. Breath, breath, breath.
- Fuck !!
One, two, three. he suddenly took a deep breath. I breathed a sigh of relief.
- Stay with me, Do you understand ?! Look at me !
John helped me put him on a stretcher. We ran to the ambulance where I connected the drip and gave him the most important medicines.
- Faster, faster. Let them know to prepare the operating room and let Liliana know to wash and assist me.
- Elisabeth, you cannot... - started John.
- Shut your mouth ! - I answered angrily.
- Beth... - said Will, grabbing my hand. - Do you remember our wedding ?
- Will...
- You are my angel, Beth. You always guarded me, said what is good and what is bad. You are my soul mate.
- We will talk after surgery, Will. - I said, kissing him on the forehead.
- Beth... - his heart stopped again.
- Resuscitation !! Reload !!.. Again !! One, two, three, four... Breath !! Will stay with me !! Reload !!
There was a deaf squeak in the ambulance and silence.
- Reload !! Again !!
- Elisabeth... - I shook Johns' hand off my shoulder.
- No, no, no !! Will, please - I started to cry - Breath, please, breath !! Reload.
John pulled me away from the apparatus. I clung to Will's bloody, warm body. I cried like never before, and one thought ran into my head. "it's all your fault". IT WAS MY FAULT. ALL OF IT IS MY FAULT. I COULD HAVE DONE MORE. MY FAULT.
- He was an officer - I heard men talking quietly.
We are all born the same, equal and defenceless. For a moment we pretend that we are different from each other in the terms of material status, social status, faith, experience, nationality, age.
But the truth is that, we leave in the same, defenceless, full of hope, sadness, faith and peaceful way. We are leaving in the same way. Everyone is leaving forever.
By KP, June 2020