Dear Diary

Dear diary, I have been doing too many things. I have so many projects I want to participate in, so many friends I want to see, so many memories to file. I am blessed for I have a house, I have a family, I have my dog and cats, I even have a turtle…and every day I have food to eat whenever I feel hungry. I care about my community and work hard to support my peers. I do my best to make myself better than yesterday.

Dear diary, today I got a message, from someone from the past, a friend I miss dearly, and it made me think of all the what ifs, all the turns life has taken, all the walks I have walked, and it made me miss all the memories I keep deep inside my head. I try not to look at them because they being me joy for having happened, but they also bring me sorrow for being gone.

Dear diary, today I felt like crying, looking at my memories on the computer screen, how long has it been? 3, 5 years? There’s no time to cry, we must simply keep the big gears of life moving, we must at all cost be productive…there’s a pandemic going on, there’s a financial crisis, there’s a racism and prejudice crisis, but we must go on, we must be productive, we must be creative.

And today, today I want to sit in the sun and look at the sky. I want to feel the warmth of the sun bathing my skin, I want to hear the sweet voice of the wind telling me “child, it’s time”, and I want to answer “I know”. But do I? What is the wind talking about? Wind? Talking? Nonsense. Back to work.

So today, dear diary, today, I want to sit down with a friend and just talk, I want to laugh and tell stories, like that time when grandma made dulce de cliche in the biggest pan I’d ever seen in my 8 years of like, and we all wanted to dive into the pan, but she’s give us the smallest spoonful she could. And we were so disappointed at it but we are that itsy bitsy portion anyway, because that was all that she was going to give us that day.

Dear diary, today after a long time, I remembered what it’s like to be me again, to be whole, to feel complete, and it feels good, remember when you too were whole? Before I had to tear off those pages I wrote out of anger? And then I regretted writing and tore it all apart…I am sorry…I am a better place now…

Dear diary, thank you for being here, through thick and thin, and never judging me. I’ll see you tomorrow.

By VV, June 2020.

Photo by Peter Olexa on Unsplash